


Is Your Man a Scrub? Andrei Bolkonsky vs. Anatole Kuragin

by MousselineSerieuse



Category: Voyná i mir | War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-12
Updated: 2013-07-12
Packaged: 2017-12-19 07:09:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/880897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MousselineSerieuse/pseuds/MousselineSerieuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sorting between your suitors, 19th century Russian style. Absolutely not meant to be taken seriously.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is Your Man a Scrub? Andrei Bolkonsky vs. Anatole Kuragin

**Disclaimer: The format of this fic is borrowed from Caity Weaver’s “Is Your Man a Scrub” pieces for The Hairpin, which are hilarious and wonderful and you should read them. Also worth mentioning is the Downton Abbey-themed Is Your Man a Scrub by jadeandlilac, which provided the original inspiration for this version. I own neither the concept nor the source material, and no copyright infringement is intended.**

**1\. First things first. What does your man look like?**  
 **Andrei:** “He was a very handsome young man, of medium height, with firm, clearcut features.” He has “a bored expression” and “a quiet, measured step.”  
 **Anatole:** “A tall, handsome fellow....He moved with a restrained swagger which would have been ridiculous had he not been so good-looking.”  
 **Who is less of a scrub?** While either would be a good choice in the looks department, ask yourself this: who would you rather have by your side at your next glittering political soiree? A self-possessed and unusually confident sophisticate, or a scrub who spends the entire party sulking around like a little bitch? **Anatole.**

**2\. Oh, we forgot to ask. Are you currently engaged to your man?**  
 **Andrei:** Yeah.  
 **Anatole:** Nope.  
 **Who is less of a scrub?** Girl, do we even need to say anything? **Andrei.**

**3\. What is your man’s rank and social position? In which circles is he received?**  
 **Andrei:** He’s a fucking prince, which means he’s rolling in estates and cash money and family history and all that good stuff. Plus, his dad used to be some high-powered government dude, so basically everyone respects him and invites him to their parties.  
 **Anatole:** IS ALSO A PRINCE! His dad is similarly involved in military/diplomatic shit you don’t care about, except he’s doing it right now, meaning you get even more connections and advantages. His usual crowd is a little edgier (read: adulterous), but you could probably handle that--right?  
 **Who is less of a scrub?** First off, girl, where are you finding all these rich, good-looking, well-connected men? If you haven’t noticed, there’s been kind of a shortage. I mean, Julie Karagina just got engaged to Boris Fucking Drubetskoy, and your own sister had to marry some dickbag from Livonia (Do you even know where Livonia is? Hell no, you don’t!). Save some for the rest of us, will you? But to the original question: You want to be in the classiest, most sophisticated, best-regarded sector of society, don’t you? ( _Don’t you?_ ) **Andrei.**

**4\. You can tell a lot about a man by the company he keeps. Who is your man’s best bro?**  
 **Andrei:** Pierre Bezhukov, a kind-hearted, intelligent, and introspective aristocrat your family has known and liked since before you were born.  
 **Anatole:** Fyodor Dolokhov, a reckless cavalry officer who once proposed marriage to your cousin and, upon rejection, proceeded to gamble your brother out of upwards of fifty thousand rubles, thereby directly contributing to your family’s financial decline.  
 **Who is less of a scrub?** Can you imagine coming home after a long afternoon of visiting to find your cousin’s most ill-advised one-night stand hanging out in your drawing room? You can, but you don’t want to. **Andrei.**

**5\. What have your man’s previous relationships been like? What sort of chicks has he dated in the past?**  
 **Andrei:** Was briefly married to a frivolous Petersburg socialite, who he promptly knocked up, abandoned in the country with his crazy family, and returned just in time to witness die in childbirth. Since then, he’s eschewed the dating scene for the exciting world of Napoleonic battle tactics.  
 **Anatole:** Once proposed marriage to Marya Bolkonskaya, only to get summarily rejected after she discovered him making out with her companion in an affair that was embarrassing for everyone involved. Also, if rumors are true, may be banging his own sister.  
 **Who is less of a scrub?** “Possible incest” is definitely a red flag. So is “Marya Bolkonskaya’s leftovers.” But let’s be honest--”frivolous” isn’t exactly inapplicable to you. And ditching your wife eight months into your marriage so you can go play soldiers with Napoleon is definitely scrub-like behavior. **Draw.**

**6\. Getting along with your significant other’s family is crucial to a healthy relationship. What does your man’s sister think of you?**  
 **Andrei:** The one time you went to their house, Marya acted all weird and distant, like you weren’t good enough for their family of illustrious douchebags or something. So, judging by that, not much. (God, that visit was a disaster. And that was before his dad showed up in a bathrobe.)  
 **Anatole:** Helene is super nice and also really pretty! Just the other day she invited you to her party and kept complimenting you on how good you looked. She seems awesome and would probably be really fun to hang out with.  
 **Who is less of a scrub?** Girl, Andrei’s family is both depressing and Grade-A batshit, and you do not need that sort of stress in your life. You are not going to stand for this shit. **Anatole.**

**7\. So, you know when we talked earlier about all the social privileges and other assorted fancy shit your man has access to? Yeah, how much of that will you actually get to enjoy?**  
 **Andrei:** Um, all of it? He is kind of busy with the whole “Napoleon is invading” situation at the moment, which may mean a sojourn in the country with Marya and Prince Crazypants. Other than that, high society, here you come.  
 **Anatole:** Unfortunately, your relationship with Anatole isn’t exactly legitimate, which means you’ll have to elope and go live in some foreign country with no friends and little to no cash. It’ll be like the time you went wolf hunting with your bro and spent the night in your uncle’s peasant shack, except every day for the rest of your life.  
 **Who is less of a scrub?** What is the point of marrying a super-hot prince beloved by all society if you’re just going to leave town anyway and go live in a hovel? What is the point of life? (Whoa, sorry there, girl. We are not Pierre.) **Andrei.**

**8\. Is your man present at the moment?**  
 **Andrei:** Nope. He’s off fighting Napoleon in Poland, or some other shitty place like that.  
 **Anatole:** Yes. He’s here in Moscow, probably just a few blocks away from your room.  
 **Who is less of a scrub?** A scrub is a guy who thinks defeating a megalomaniac Corsican is more important than being there for you when you need him. **Anatole.**

**9\. Lastly, but very importantly, is your man currently married?**  
 **Andrei:** Nope.  
 **Anatole:** Kind of. Sort of. Yeah.  
 **Who is less of a scrub?** Oh, come on. Like you didn’t see this coming. **Andrei.**

**Final Results**  
 **Andrei: 5**  
 **Anatole: 3**  
 **Draw: 1**

**Conclusion**  
The answer is sort of irrelevant, seeing as your attempted elopement with Anatole failed, and now Andrei has come back from the war and dumped you, too. Problem solved, bitch. Under the circumstances, we are forced to conclude that the real scrub in this situation is **You**. Good luck with your future dating life, and also with the whole Napoleon thing. Anyone who decides to invade Russia in winter has got to be a scrub.


End file.
